Monday, March 20, 2006
Loss, Loss, Loss
Yolie has started two different blog entries lately regarding the vexations we seem to be going through constantly but each time she starts, she gets wind of yet another problem that we are dealing with in our family. She called my cell phone last night as we were driving home from The Ranch only to hear of another trial we have to walk through.
Each Sunday evening that we take Fabian back to The Ranch, there is a group meeting of the families of the boys there. As soon as Shon, the fantabulous houseparent, took a deep breath, I knew what was coming. Then he used the S word. Season. He told the group that his season with The Ranch seemed to be coming to an end as he felt he was being called into ministry.
He will be a superb minister as he was an exemplary houseparent. His wife, Lorie, is his equal in every way, full of strength, insight and wisdom. To me they are young, mid thirties, yet so mature. I know that I know that I know that they've heard from God, I know that their hearts are being pulled in that direction. I trust them. But I hate it for Fabian.
I was sitting between Shon and Edgar on their sofa when Shon dropped this bombshell, and Fabian's eyes spun wildly to mine for reassurance that his world wouldn't crash yet again. Fabian has dropped his guard over the last several months and learned to like, and to trust, Shon. Again, this seems to solidify Fabian's world view that he should not become attached to people.
It hit me that Fabian, Edgar, Joey and Allen, who were all there, might internally fear that one day I'll announce that my season has ended.
I spent the ride home explaining once again that I am the mom, not a foster parent, not a house parent, not a temporary caretaker, but a real mom who shares the same family ,and the same name, as them. This is my life's calling.
Sarah once pointed out that if nothing else, having my children see people come in and out of their lives, but see that I NEVER leave, that I am the one absolute constant, consistent and stable-set-in-concrete, not blown by any wind MOM...has got to count for something.
I remember Big Joe calling me at work from his school when he was 16. He'd just learned that his beloved football coach was leaving. Joe was sobbing on the phone, he knew I'd understand. The entire team took it hard. Kids from intact families were crying...it wasn't just 'an adoption thing.' Loss sucks. But it is a part of life and again, I have to teach the children to cope. I don't like loss either but it is a fact.
Fabian certainly does not need to deal with yet another loss. His therapist, Tundi, however is equipped to deal with what is bound to occur now. This is a Christian ranch, therapy is based on God's ability to heal broken hearts and I totally buy into that primary thought. Fabian will face loss his entire life, we all will, and he's going to have to learn how to deal positively with change.
Edgar was explaining to me how he feels totally called to help Fabian learn to live successfully, he feels that burden deeply. He's felt responsible for 19 years now for his siblings. Edgar has learned to allow me to call the shots, he'll back me up, help me out and try to balance his own life and issues as well.
My season for the process of adopting children has ended, my life is my family and that is eternal, not seasonal.