Monday, August 13, 2007

A Fuse

A quote yesterday from a mental health worker, "some drugs such as Tegretol can help lengthen a fuse on a rager," which gives me little comfort knowing that the rager still, quite likely, will blow sky high and act murderously violent again.

I'm not certain that we can live safely with Jose. I've struggled with this fear for years, watching him escalate his anger, his threats and his destructive rages. Are not broken doors, windows, walls and furniture indicative of a severely out-of-control, physically aggressive, dangerously violent child?

I cannot begin to relate the number of times he has lashed out at me and the other kids; at what point will others understand the danger that he presents to society?

And if he did cross the line and stab me, should I take one for the team? Then would others believe the level of danger we live in? Worse yet, what if he goes after a younger child?

Now he is temporarily in a lock down facility, they've called this morning and described him as an angry young man. Yep, they've pegged it.

But he'll be fairly compliant there I'm certain because he has long periods in which he functions normally. But then the anger comes out of nowhere and my older sons are scrambling to protect us all here, over and over, leaving us feeling like we live in a psychotic war zone.

I do still love Jose. that doesn't change. But I'd be happier knowing I can sleep safely at night; sometimes even Mama here needs to close her eyes.

It'd difficult for a new psychiatrist to understand a five year history here of threats from a boy with a litany of issues and mental challenges. I do not know what our options are, only that being a mama isn't enough to resolve some mental health problems. We've had counseling in place for years and years nor a very non-introspective kid. He started seeing a psychiatrist at age five when he entered foster care.

He's bigger and meaner than me now, with huge uncontrolled pent-up violence inside him and I'm worried for our family.