Monday, August 13, 2007

A Fuse

A quote yesterday from a mental health worker, "some drugs such as Tegretol can help lengthen a fuse on a rager," which gives me little comfort knowing that the rager still, quite likely, will blow sky high and act murderously violent again.

I'm not certain that we can live safely with Jose. I've struggled with this fear for years, watching him escalate his anger, his threats and his destructive rages. Are not broken doors, windows, walls and furniture indicative of a severely out-of-control, physically aggressive, dangerously violent child?

I cannot begin to relate the number of times he has lashed out at me and the other kids; at what point will others understand the danger that he presents to society?

And if he did cross the line and stab me, should I take one for the team? Then would others believe the level of danger we live in? Worse yet, what if he goes after a younger child?

Now he is temporarily in a lock down facility, they've called this morning and described him as an angry young man. Yep, they've pegged it.

But he'll be fairly compliant there I'm certain because he has long periods in which he functions normally. But then the anger comes out of nowhere and my older sons are scrambling to protect us all here, over and over, leaving us feeling like we live in a psychotic war zone.

I do still love Jose. that doesn't change. But I'd be happier knowing I can sleep safely at night; sometimes even Mama here needs to close her eyes.

It'd difficult for a new psychiatrist to understand a five year history here of threats from a boy with a litany of issues and mental challenges. I do not know what our options are, only that being a mama isn't enough to resolve some mental health problems. We've had counseling in place for years and years nor a very non-introspective kid. He started seeing a psychiatrist at age five when he entered foster care.

He's bigger and meaner than me now, with huge uncontrolled pent-up violence inside him and I'm worried for our family.


Anonymous said...

Praying for wisdom for all involved to see the true situation and for God's protection. Do what you need to do to keep yourself and everyone else I know you will.

Yondalla said...

Though I might be someone's Mama forever, I have a firm understanding with the children that I will not live with, nor ask my other children to live with, someone who deprives them of the right to feel safe.

For me, asking someone to live somewhere else when they are making other feel unsafe is important for the other kids. It is important for them to know, as they enter into their own adult relationships, that they have the right to feel safe, that loving someone does not mean tolerating any sort of abuse.

Of course this is not advice. I do not know what you should do.

I'll say a prayer.

Monkey Butter said...

Hi there, I read your blog regularly and have never posted. I will this time to say I love you and what you do and am glad you are all safe. Your parenting is superb and makes me, as a mother of three little ones, feel shameful to complain of the minor tantrums one of mine has. I am glad you have older ones to stick up and defend you at times like this.

Claudia said...

Remember all the advice that you gave us about feeling good about our decision to not let children return to our home if they were a danger to others?

Right back atcha.

Love you and am praying for y'all, Girlfriend

Suzanne said...

Cindy, I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to go through for you, for Jose, and for all your kids.

I spent some time tonight meditating on Jose and his problems and praying for this child. I really do wish him well and hope that he can free himself of his demons and have a good life.

Keep safe, big mama, and all your beautiful children too, bless each and every one.


You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

FAScinated said...

Please know that you and your family are in our prayers. ~Kari