Long and Bitter Post

Sometimes I have to really fight back the bitterness. Sometimes I write posts that pour it out and then I don't publish them, the mere act of venting helped. If I don't hit publish though I'm afraid that I've sent the wrong message to other adoptive parents, "My kids don't mistreat me, sorry that yours do so."

My kids DO mistreat me, if they can't get to me, they go after Sarah and that really pisses me off. They holler amongst each other how they favor their biological siblings (who rarely return the favor) yet in their minds they think it's OK to disrespect my biological child? And no, that's not happening right now, I'm angry on my own behalf.

Yolie told me she's hesitant to adopt anyone, fearing they'd mistreat her two children as mine have done to Sarah. Yolie has always been wonderful to Sarah...does it boil down to Yolie's very high IQ?

Sometimes, after age 18, I fantasize being free of their ferocious anger. Have I then not done enough for them? Sacrificed everything? I'll still figure out a way to get them through college, but may I then be shed of their wrath?

My grown kids have stolen from me and lied about me, they've set me up to be humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed way too often. Another reason to be a recluse. Why go out in public and show my face knowing some people are thinking aloud, "She's stupid for loving kids who treat her like that."

And it never ends.

They think up new ways that'll hurt me, make me understand that they were deeply hurt before they were adopted. See how it feels?

I have several grown children at the moment in trouble with the law and I'm backing way far away, never wanting to enable them to continue doing wrong and I'm absolutely overwhelmed at the brazenness of some of them. Did no one ever listen in church? Do you not have a conscience? A heart or a soul?

I have mean daughters also, if the world doesn't go their way they want to make me pay. If they make wrong decisions and have resulting consequences, it's my fault?

I pray and pray, dig in the dirt, haul wheelbarrow loads of wood chips, go on walks, sweep furiously, read my Bible, struggle with forgiveness and deep bitterness.

I will never see gratitude from them, that's OK, I did what God wanted me to do. It's easier for me to do all the dishes, wash all the clothes, pick up all the trash than risk the constant rages that come when I ask anyone to help. Go ahead, be lazy, see where that gets you in life. Maybe they really can't learn, maybe I'm just a hotel, someone for them to use to get what they want, I'm just a stupid old lady.

Should I not hit publish when I'm this disgusted and aggravated with such nonhuman, such transparently hateful behavior? Should i hold it all in and grow another tumor? What if the stress gets to Sarah or Grandma and Grandpa since they are often targets. I've even had two different family members be blatantly ugly to Ray. Four generations of my family taking the abuse? That's unacceptable.

But again today I'll pick everything up that everyone threw down, I'll wash the clothes, clean up breakfast dishes, sweep, gather dirty clothes from where they were thrown and start supper. I'll go outside and work until my irritation dissipates and when they all come home, I'll smile and help with homework, knowing that I successfully channeled my hurt and bitter feelings into hard physical labor once again.

And I will still love my kids who lash out at me, who lie and steal, who spew their hatred and glare at me because of what someone else had done to them many, many years ago.

BUT I've reached a point where some changes will be made. If I allow them to continually abuse me or others, then I'm not doing anyone any favors. Now I feel sucked in, I'm allowing this participation in anti-social behaviors by my continual silence and foregiveness. I'll continue to forgive but an emotional distance will now ensue between myself and those who continue to hurt me or others on purpose.