Even I, old and experienced, didn't anticipate this level of end-of-the-school-year meltdowns. Sky high anxiety portrayed through rage and tears over anything, everything and nothing. Striking randomly like lightening, hitting everyone in its path, collateral damage everywhere and I stand there with an inefficient garden hose figuratively attempting to douse wildfires that are raging out of control.
Even calm, mellow Lily went down in tears this morning over an outfit Monica had selected for her last night. "Why didn't you say you didn't like it yesterday?" I literally screeched, trying to get everyone fed and out the door this morning.
"I didn't want to hurt Monica's feelings," she inaccurately responded.
Chuy couldn't find a pencil, Fabian was struggling to complete an assignment that was due a month ago, Tabby was crying about brushing her hair, and Paloma was doing her level best to provoke everyone else to tears with her dead-on hatefulness.
I deeply miss being happy, but not being happy doesn't indicate that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I walk by faith not by feelings.
I have a meeting with everyone involved this afternoon about Pepe that I am dreading so much that my stomach is clenching and roiling. Knowing that everyone there doesn't live with the level of evil danger, with the continuous potential explosions that usually result in someone getting hurt. This kid is the school shooter waiting to happen and when the explosion in society occurs everyone will point fingers and scream at me, "Why didn't YOU DO SOMETHING!
I've documented everything I've tried to do, everyone who has turned me down for help, and every time I've verbally strongly stressed the danger. I am beyond stressed out over this, knowing Pepe, if allowed back into our house, will make me pay. I have too many potential victims to allow that to happen so I'll have to make a stink and make a fool of myself in my attempts to get him the help he needs as well as the protection we all deserve.
I know from experience that he will attack someone younger to force me to stop him which will then jusitfy him hurting me. I know how his mind works, what he fixates on, and how I simply cannot prevent his violence from occurring.
Please pray for us.