Saturday, July 12, 2008

Where My Brain Goes...

Somewhere I read, possibly by C.S. Lewis, that if Christians find there is no Heaven, then they've, by default, chosen the most miserable world. Like why did they make selfless choices that would mean nothing in the end?

I'm struggling with that concept now, sometimes feeling as if I've lived a pointless existence. All that I've poured of myself sacrificially into children who don't have the ability to care. Why did I chose an impossible life? One in which I'm so resented by those I provide for?

I really need to hear from God soon.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."
C. S. Lewis

After my wonderful starting point this week, the remainder has disintegrated into a thousand shards.

I loaned my van to the church so they could take MY teenagers to Forward '08. "Please take it," I'd stressed knowing it'd cost over $600 for them to rent one for an extended period of time. "I have my truck."

The truck broke down this morning as I went to yard sales. Dead on the side of the road, a man with a cigarette dangling precariously from his teeth pushed it out of danger for me. It was soon towed to a garage I trust.

Grandma ran an errand for me in which the folks she dealt with forgot to send what we needed. Thanks for the colossal waste of time and gas y'all.

Kroger pharmacy claims Medicaid won't pay for Risperdol, which is not true, but I get real tired of battling for everything I need.

I'm terribly ashamed of the behaviors of some of my grown kids.

I'm deeply hurt by some others that I raised better than they're acting.

I just want to be a recluse. The stringy haired woman who never goes to town, but I'd just sabotaged that by getting a really cute hair cut.

I had a one woman pity party out back last night, sitting despondently by myself at a stone table, sobbing into my blueberries that I'd gathered in my shirt, looking like a fool.

I need to shake this off, get a grip and come to terms with the fact that just because I love them, 'it doesn't mean squat to a tree'. paraphrased to take out the original cuss word. (Eskimo Blue Day - Volunteers - Jefferson Airplane)

My addled brain is listlessly bopping between psychedelic lyrics in 1969 and the words of C.S. Lewis, who passed away in 1963. I think I need to drag out my old copy of Mere Christianity and re-read it.

Now that I've suitably bummed any readers out, Sarah's post is more cheerful and entertaining.

I'm sorry to be so ill tempered this morning. It is simply so infinitely wearing down on a human being...this drip, drip, drip of issues and challenges, eventually I snap as I've really done lately. One daughter in particular, jabbing at me from afar, I just can't take it anymore so I've withdrawn into my figurative turtle shell, slamming shut my emotions - make the world go away.


Sarah Beam said...

I bought some locally-made, very bittersweet, mint chocolates at the farmer's market this morning. And I can't think of anyone I would rather share them with than you.

Lee said...

Hmm. Will respite make this worse or better?

Oh yeah, and chocolate always helps!

Yondalla said...

I don't know if CS Lewis said that, but it seems to me to be wrong. Mind if I get philosophical on you? Aristotle says that genuine happiness comes from living a complete life that includes pleasure, family, and work. One of the marks of this sort of life is that it is choice-worthy. In other words, it is the sort of life you could reflect upon and choose to have led.

He doesn't think that there are many things that can damage the happiness that life produces, but one of the few is the well-being and behavior of our adult children. Adult children behaving in ways that shame us can just suck the joy out of life.

Not really helping am I?

I guess what I want to say is that from where I sit you have chosen a deeply meaningful, if exhausting life. You inspire hundreds, if not more, by your blog. You touch so many people in positive ways that you don't even know. And I understand that trouble with your kids can make it all seem so much less.

I believe it will be better though.

I hope you enjoy your chocolate, and may I recommend looking at photos of all those wonderful grandchildren while you do it?

amomteach said...

You're in good company.

"Letters and diaries from Mother Teresa now being published by an Indian theological journal show a woman who rose and fell through spiritual highs and lows over her life and even felt temptation to abandon her work."

"From the beginning, she had to experience not only their material poverty and helplessness, but also their abandonment."

From Catholic World News

Know you're always in my prayers...your kids, too.


Dee said...

Cindy, is that your house? It's a beautiful place!

MommyNay said...

I have like what 1/10th the children you do? Im feeling pretty much at my witts ends with only two children with special needs and two thats needs are twice what they would be if I didnt already HAVE two children with special needs. Following me? You are balm to my soul. Thank you.

Cindy said...

Well it's y'all's words as well that get me through my tough times.