Monday, October 27, 2008
Like my other grandbabies, Hazel is uncomplicated and happy to see me. After decades of living with, and parenting, severely troubled children, this next generation seems like a breath of pure oxygen. Some of my grandchildren will unfortunately find themselves deprived of a decent relationship with extended family members while their parents work through their damaged emotions. Just as some partners of my children find themselves bewildered and ambushed by past childhood issues, so too will some grandchildren find themselves. I hate that for them, but there's nothing I can do to prevent it from happening.
I've given several of my older children permission to hate me for what their birth parents did to them. They seem to find it too painful to acknowledge that a birth parent would have abandoned, abused or neglected them, leaving them with fear and despair, it is so much easier now to simply hate me. OK, go ahead, hate me and see if that helps you to heal. I'm physically and emotionally withdrawing greatly from the drama of others.
Fortunately for these troubled grown children, I understand.
I don't like it, I'd hoped for greater insight and maturity, but it is what it is, and I have enough other children who've grown to appreciate me.
Jonathan didn't go to school today. I went into his room about 72 times, "Get up, let's go," while my other children scurried around without fussing, victims of the Post Party Syndrome as everyone had a blast yesterday. Jonathan just stared at me with hatred and anger.
Let's see how this works out for you. Worst case scenario, 2700+ days of misery for me, years and years of prison for him, if he doesn't ever learn to comply with the most basic of rules and requirements.
I'm still emotionally recovering from the tremendous damage wrought by Joey here in my home, my family and my life. I do not go visit him in jail. I just cannot force myself to do so. I'd have to leave my children on a Sunday afternoon and I don't think that is fair to my children who are behaving and who want me to be home with them.
School will be closed on election day so I need to go early vote this week as I can't leave the children on November 4th.
Surges of tremendous anger course through me at time when I think about Cindy Adams having to fight cancer for a second time. It simply is not fair. I read or hear stories on the news that's heartbreaking and I bumble through my own emotions at living with incredibly difficult and oppositional children, but overall I do understand, on some very deep level, that this is what I am supposed to be doing. God knew this would be hard when He called me here. He knew I could handle it and obviously He will use it as a witness for others...and change me into what He wants me to be.
I even hesitate to type those words, knowing how very bad it can get at times.
I pray, read the Bible, I read other books to inspire me, to build me up and I listen to motivational materials. I hug kids who seemingly hate me, I forgive the ones who blatantly hurt me, and I struggle each day with my own human nature that so often grows resentful, or my jealousy over others who might have it easier...although I'm old enough now to know that is simply not the case.
In Sunday School yesterday a few women shared their sad heartbreaks, we had a fantastic prayer time, and some other women spoke some beautiful truths that we all need to remember.
Life is hard, yet we have resources. I just bellyached to my mother for awhile, then reminded myself of the pluses that I possess. I'm irked at Jonathan, of course, yet I need to keep my eye on the big picture. I need to not flail about in my irritation, but rather to keep busy.
I need to remind myself of my blessings, all that we have, and how all my needs are met. When my children make poor choices, it's not because I haven't taught them to make correct ones.
Edgar and Miriam took Allen out for his birthday, including all seven of their original siblings last night after the church festival. Edgar's doing well, pictured here with his girlfriend, Laura, who I adore. Miriam too has a great job and is doing her best. I need to remind myself of the successful children and their choices, of the positive emotions and feedback.