It didn't even occur to me that I was re-traumatizing my child. Heck, he's 13 years old and I momentarily left him in an aisle at Lowe's while I stepped over to the next aisle to check on something. He was loading hog wire for me. I gave it no thought as I was out of his sight for maybe 45 seconds.
Today I mentioned I had to go get groceries. "You wanna come with me?" I asked him.
"You're not gonna abandon me in the store again are you?" he asked with obvious trepidation.
"What're you talking about?" I had absolutely no clue.
"Remember you left me in Lowe's?"
I was dumbfounded. "Boy, I never left you there."
"Yes you did, when you walked off and left me with the shopping cart. I was scared. I didn't know if you'd come back."
I was shocked at this.
Is he that insecure? Saddled with heavy duty abandonment issues nine years later? Is this even possible?
I kept starting at him, unsure what to say, so I stuck my foot in my mouth, "I'm gonna blog that son. This never occurred to me."
"OK, just don't use my name. I don't want another mom to do that to their kid."
Whoa.
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8 comments:
As a foster child, our 13-year-old daughter griped like crazy if we went to the store and she wasn't in the mood to go. Now that she's been adopted, she insists on going with us, even though she legally can stay at home for the few minutes we are gone.
My nearly 13 y/o is very like that as well. Fortunately for him, I have an inbred fear of having my kids out of my sight in stores (this stems from an attack on a friend's child in a town not far from us. . . just so you don't think I am totally whacky!)
the triggers are so surprising and unpredictable.
Hi! I've been reading your blog for a long time and have never commented, as I don't normally comment on people's blogs that I don't know. But, as an adoptee abandoned in a field and placed in an eastern european orphanage before being adopted, I just HAD to comment you on your "AHA MOMENT." I to this day, have momentary panic when I go shopping with my mom and I can't find her in the store. It's purely a physiological reaction I can't control and it doesn't upset me emotionally the way it did as a child/teen but I am an adult and I still feel pangs in my tummy when it happens. As an adoptive parent, I have marveled at how many kids are telling their parents they feel abandoned again (albeit not telling them in appropriate ways) and the parents are clueless. I remember myself and my sister telling my mom how we felt (of course not having the terminology to explain it was an abandonment issue!) and my mom commenting something along the lines "that is silly." It may be. But it is so real and so very common. Sorry for the rant. I just had to comment. Good job listening to your kid! Jennifer
My 10 yo is like this as well. Unfortunately, he tends to wander - alot - when we're in the store and so I'll be standing still, looking at something, and he's gotten two aisles away in 10 seconds, then races back to make sure I'm still there. I've actually commented to someone recently that it's like he's stuck in that toddler stage where the little one will go off on his own, to another room, to get something, or play a few minutes, but keep coming back to "check in". With my son, he's been here 6 years and is most obviously still very anxious.
You learn something new every day with these kids don't ya?
When I am at home, my son wants to be in the same room with me, all the time. It takes a powerful distraction [like a computer or a Nintendo game or TV] to make him happy not being near me. He said when he went to sleep at night his birthmom was always gone in the morning, and he was hungry and had no idea where she was or when she would be back - and the first 8 years of his life were like that. He doesn't like to be left in stores, either, although he is pretty comfortable exploring a bit on his own in the Kroger which is very familiar.
I am glad your son could verbalize his issues. That's a good sign.
Wow, y'all, thanks for all the insights. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.
I am still getting blame for the same thing and my kid is 37. We were in the market and I didn't realize that he had let go of the cart until I had turned into another aisle. I screamed (at top of lungs) that my child was lost, an employee found him outside (he was about four years old). To this day he claims that I lost him on purpose. did I mention that he is an only child and a birth child? I try to be away on Mother's Day so I don't have to hear his reluctant happy (?) mother's day call. Sometimes life just bites.
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