Monday, May 18, 2009
I Know What I Want
"MOM!" JoJo loudly bellowed at me in the church parking lot, "You have retarded children."
Where does one go with this? The fact that I had the cutest Downs Syndrome cousin on earth, Scottie Joe, helps me to comprehend this word should not be bandied about lightly. But JoJo, son, you're one of my kids.
What I shouted in response was, "Oh now they're my kids?" to which he had no quick answer.
Can we not get through five minutes in one day without a dumb outburst from someone?
These folks are today's heroes for me. See how distractible I am?
All large and unusual families get contacted by producers, reporters and authors. Some of these opportunities could be quite lucrative, but so far I've not felt released by God to get involved in anything. I have my hands full as it is and a camera crew documenting our pain doesn't seem very desirable...until I'd recently read about the big bucks I didn't realize I'd turned down.
Nah...still not worth it for me. Like I'd need anyone else stirring up drama around here?
Right here at this point in my post, I'd walked away yesterday afternoon, distracted or busy, who knows? This morning I took it back up after reading some other blogs and being snagged by this one in particular.
Simply put, "We saw a problem and we didn't walk away," in response to the over-asked question we adoptive parents all too often listen to, "What on earth made you do this?" as if we're must've been dropped on our own heads as babies. Ya know, normal folks wouldn't take this on...the implication is always there. We're treated almost accusatorily as if our ulterior motive must be so inherently selfish or certainly suspect.
Dusty Hart's simple reply, "We saw a problem and we didn't walk away," plus the short video there says it all. I need reminders like this.
Yet I, as usual, feel compelled to go on and on about it, when the truth is, I also needed to be again reminded why, as loving and parenting traumatized children is difficult and challenging. There's no gratitude, no rhyme nor reason to one's life, and the backlash is shocking. Really shocking, as adoptive parents are usually treated so badly on so many levels.
And then folks wonder why I retreat from society? Why I prefer to run out back to my gardens? Why being alone isn't undesirable? I'm all too often left feeling like a kicked puppy that it's just so much easier for me to emotionally and physically retreat. My fruits and vegetables fill me up, my gardens soothe my ragged soul.
Yesterday's sermon on dealing with difficult or destructive people got me. Especially the part about anger, as JoJo, sitting between Chuck and I for good measure, kept jabbing me in the ribs. A "ha ha" moment as Mama squirmed uncomfortably while she got a reminder straight from God. Ok son, I can take it. I know when I've failed but I attempt to turn my own personal ship around.
Tony, Jonathan and Paloma all conspired loosely, and not as an organized bunch, to make us all miss church yesterday, yet I shoved another plan into action, missing Sunday School, but getting to go hear Pastor Tony's sermon. Later, blessed by rain, but stuck inside with rambunctiousness, it wasn't a bad day at all.
I know why I do what I do, I was clearly called and loosely equipped. I need to remember that in the bad times and do what I'm supposed to do, regardless of the shenanigans exploding around me. Jeepers I pray about everything, except maybe my doomed plates, I don't hardly take a step without a prayer, as I maintain that connection with God on a 24-7 level, quick popcorn prayers and tons of "Thy will be done" moments since I want nothing but His will in my life... as I face several interesting possibilities.
Shut the door, Open the door, lead me this way or that, but please Lord, lemme know. Us headstrong, willful women need clues so as not to strike out unprotected and out of bounds, where we shouldn't be going. So far so good. I know what I want...but....