"MOM!" JoJo loudly bellowed at me in the church parking lot, "You have retarded children."
Where does one go with this? The fact that I had the cutest Downs Syndrome cousin on earth, Scottie Joe, helps me to comprehend this word should not be bandied about lightly. But JoJo, son, you're one of my kids.
What I shouted in response was, "Oh now they're my kids?" to which he had no quick answer.
Can we not get through five minutes in one day without a dumb outburst from someone?
These folks are today's heroes for me. See how distractible I am?
All large and unusual families get contacted by producers, reporters and authors. Some of these opportunities could be quite lucrative, but so far I've not felt released by God to get involved in anything. I have my hands full as it is and a camera crew documenting our pain doesn't seem very desirable...until I'd recently read about the big bucks I didn't realize I'd turned down.
Nah...still not worth it for me. Like I'd need anyone else stirring up drama around here?
Right here at this point in my post, I'd walked away yesterday afternoon, distracted or busy, who knows? This morning I took it back up after reading some other blogs and being snagged by this one in particular.
Simply put, "We saw a problem and we didn't walk away," in response to the over-asked question we adoptive parents all too often listen to, "What on earth made you do this?" as if we're must've been dropped on our own heads as babies. Ya know, normal folks wouldn't take this on...the implication is always there. We're treated almost accusatorily as if our ulterior motive must be so inherently selfish or certainly suspect.
Dusty Hart's simple reply, "We saw a problem and we didn't walk away," plus the short video there says it all. I need reminders like this.
Yet I, as usual, feel compelled to go on and on about it, when the truth is, I also needed to be again reminded why, as loving and parenting traumatized children is difficult and challenging. There's no gratitude, no rhyme nor reason to one's life, and the backlash is shocking. Really shocking, as adoptive parents are usually treated so badly on so many levels.
And then folks wonder why I retreat from society? Why I prefer to run out back to my gardens? Why being alone isn't undesirable? I'm all too often left feeling like a kicked puppy that it's just so much easier for me to emotionally and physically retreat. My fruits and vegetables fill me up, my gardens soothe my ragged soul.
Yesterday's sermon on dealing with difficult or destructive people got me. Especially the part about anger, as JoJo, sitting between Chuck and I for good measure, kept jabbing me in the ribs. A "ha ha" moment as Mama squirmed uncomfortably while she got a reminder straight from God. Ok son, I can take it. I know when I've failed but I attempt to turn my own personal ship around.
Tony, Jonathan and Paloma all conspired loosely, and not as an organized bunch, to make us all miss church yesterday, yet I shoved another plan into action, missing Sunday School, but getting to go hear Pastor Tony's sermon. Later, blessed by rain, but stuck inside with rambunctiousness, it wasn't a bad day at all.
I know why I do what I do, I was clearly called and loosely equipped. I need to remember that in the bad times and do what I'm supposed to do, regardless of the shenanigans exploding around me. Jeepers I pray about everything, except maybe my doomed plates, I don't hardly take a step without a prayer, as I maintain that connection with God on a 24-7 level, quick popcorn prayers and tons of "Thy will be done" moments since I want nothing but His will in my life... as I face several interesting possibilities.
Shut the door, Open the door, lead me this way or that, but please Lord, lemme know. Us headstrong, willful women need clues so as not to strike out unprotected and out of bounds, where we shouldn't be going. So far so good. I know what I want...but....
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3 comments:
I know what I want too...Peace on my vacation.. I don't want to run run, run, I want to rest-rest-rest. I want to recharge my batteries. I want to lay in the sun, swim and float on the lazy river at the resort and soak up some happy endorphins that I need so badly that and the vitamin D that the lab tests show are low which does nothing to slow down my chronic back and leg pain. We are going without several as one has definitely not earned it and another that will go and stay with my oldest child this summer to help her with her children. I have slowing sunk into a deep funk and today I finally called my doctor who knows me all too well and he obviously thought what I had thought (as he had mentioned previously - that I was-"Depressed" and it was time for medication intervention- Ya think and I guess I tend to agree/ Anyone who goes through what we go through NEVER gets out unscathed; we probably all have some varying degrees of PTSD and that you are never prepared for. I am sorry, but shouldn't we get "combat pay"” So I reluctantly agreed to take a low dose med for 90 days to see if I can raise myself out of it. I have handled this as long as I can on my own (not really-I've had therapy-but it isn't working),and I am tired of feeling so sad and virtually helpless as I sit back and think that I have literally failed my children as their mother. (I know this is not true-but I feel this way - Cindy I think you understand this one). With our children you can hope, but you always wonder if you will ever get through to some of them in time and if they will turn out to be semi-productive members of society. Considering the behaviors that are continuing to emerge; the potential destructive tendencies I am seeing in several others and the oldest son that has the total lack of regard for rules of any kind or the law no wonder I feel this way. Don’t let me tell you he can be a wonderful boy, smart, charming and funny, but still a lawbreaker and I am sure there are some good looking men in jail too. And if that isn't enough it doesn't help that his PO (that's probation officer) according to one of my daughters seems to think that I rag on him too much and push him too much to be a better person. So of course he is still here and I don't believe that she will carry her threat through of putting him in jail for some of the summer to make up for him not doing his probation as instructed. Maybe she is waiting for school to be over - but why - he has a 26 in one class, 46 in another and in another. But of course we have a 98 in PE. Why waste the schools time. I have even gone so far as to send a formal request to the school to CANCEL his IEP. Why waste the schools resources on someone who obviously isn’t willing to put the time and effort forth to learn. The school was flabbergasted that I requested this, but I had actually requested this 5 months ago, and they would not, they wanted me to wait one more semester, ok so I waited one more, same result, just 5 months later. The teacher emailed me and said that would have to ASK someone at the board office how to cancel it at a parents request. If he is not put in jail what is this teaching him? Oh, that I can get away with anything and I will get away with the next attempt at law breaking. I don’t want him to go to jail BUT, if you do the crime, you do the time. I think that is what makes me saddest of all is that others don't seem to take up the philosophy that you must have consequences for actions - immediately. The sooner the consequences I believe, the quicker the lesson is learned. Our younger children are all watching this older child's lack of legal consequences unfold and I worry that they too think hmmmm maybe I could get away with this because he is.
I think your kids and my son communicate telepathically!! We missed nearly all the music, but made it to Church!Of course, I am only wrestling the ONE into the car!! lol...
To the poster PatM--my son does have PTSD and I like the combat pay option!
There isn't enough combat pay on earth to make up for what some of us have been through....
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