Trust and Obey

The first thing I did this morning was to read Cindy Adams' update and then I just sat here in stunned silence. I tried to comment, second time I've tried, and maybe it's my coordination, or the lack thereof, but it didn't go through. So I continued to just sit here shocked and upset, drinking coffee, and thinking.

Her inner strength floors me, I'm blessed by her friendship, I'm awed at her wisdom, maybe even internally I was comparing how I'd act at a time like this, if I were in her shoes, and I know my blatant immaturity would shine through like a warped spotlight. Her grace eludes me.

Sharon reminded us all that Melanie Billings used to be in the FFLF group, her email address rang a bell in my very stunned, shut-down mind.

To think that she and her husband had been murdered...I again have no words. You can imagine my thoughts upon initially learning of this literally unspeakable tragedy.

Overall, life is very, very hard.

Everytime I say good-bye to my niece, Lauren, it reminds me of losing my sister Ellen, when Lauren was only seven years old. I cannot imagine the emotional pain and the loss that Lauren feels every single day.

I can't even think of any words of comfort, yet I use millions of words here constantly in my struggle to understand everything that doesn't make sense.

In the end, it's our faith that sustains us. It is for me. Cindy said it all, she explained it better than I can begin to comprehend. I cannot imagine how folks with no faith can face any single moment in their lives.

The Billings are gone, they left all of their wealth behind, as we will all do, but their legacy remains within their children. Their children need them...how can this happen? Cindy's children need her, she needs her strength, yet she's having to use most of it to fight this war that cancer is raging within her. HOW IS THIS FAIR?

I think about folks within my own community, or the many moms I've met who are very similar in lifestyle to me within The Foundation for Large Families, or friends at church, and I know that everyone is, or has been, or will soon face devastating trials and circumstances. I know that. I know that we're all going to be battered and eventually omitted from life.

I get it.

I struggle with the unfairness of everything, but even then, or later, I ponder what's even fair?

My children began life unfairly...in monumentally difficult circumstances that effect every subsequent step they'll ever take. Without maturity, or basic coping skills, even with therapeutic intervention, it's a very mean world out there. I want to protect them all, while not enabling anyone, but I also stumble, struggle and falter at times.

Theresa's children have also had a terribly difficult time this week.

I feel so helpless and so inadequate, so useless and so insensitive at times.

Life blows me away.

I've used all these words now, and truly, I sit here this morning understanding even less than I did when I woke up.

But all I really have to do it to trust and obey God. And obviously, I struggle with that as well.

Yes, I'm strong emotionally and spiritually, and I'd sure be nothing without my faith, and the grace, the unmerited favor, that God gives us, but my human nature trips me up so much.

The beach picture is from my friend, Pat, who I'd met years ago within FFLF. This picture was taken this week, not far from where Melanie and her husband were murdered outside Pensacola. Pat lives a similarly difficult and parallel life to mine...as do all the mamas on FFLF and all the mamas in the world, and the daddies too.

We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, holding God's hand in prayer.

I cope by engaging in physically strenuous activity, and fortunately, there's enough to do around here to keep my mind occupied.