Paloma is as changed as a person as anyone I've ever seen in my life. Is it the Abilfy and Lithium combo? Time? Therapy? All of the above? Whatever. I'm just grateful, but, of course, wary, knowing it is cyclical.
It's our week of Vacation Bible School each evening.
Last night my Bubbas voluntarily chose to haul wood chips for me, as I ruthlessly ripped out four o'clocks and Rudbeckia that's reseeding everywhere, encroaching where I grow food. A storm blew up, dousing us with precious, needed water that was instantly sucked into dry soil, not evaporating due to a heavy wood chip mulch.
If this post seems stilted, it's because I'd lost what I'd written earlier. Once I write it and figuratively flush it, I'm over it, ready to move on, and trying to repeat it now, to dredge it back up seems cumbersome and awkward. I usually vomit out my words, feel better, and get busy with my day. Now what am I doing but regurgitating already spewed out feelings?
The thing is, I was absolutely overcome with simplicity and happiness last night. Turning 55 this month, emotionally secure, strong and healthy, and glad about life, even though it's precarious at times, what with the detonations that occur instantaneously and without warning, overall I'm simply simple and even blissful. Listening quietly to raucous bullfrogs, inhaling heady blossoming scents and eating blackberries while I stand in my gardens simply thrills my worn out heart and over-burdened soul.
Owing no one except the orthodontist and the mortgage company, owning little materially that matters, not worrying about protecting and maintain dumb possessions, when I could better spend my time gardening, makes for a much easier, less stressful life.
Paloma had thin-sliced the freshly dug potatoes last night, brushed them with olive oil and added seasoning, baking to a slight crisp in the oven...these safely unpeeled potatoes were a treat from Heaven, washed down with sparkling well water and blackberries...this is living.
For lunch I'd had a huge bowl of chopped tomatoes and various colored bell peppers with a fresh onion all from the garden. Does it get any better than this?
Like a secondarily traumatized human, can I trust my sense of well-being? Will it be gone in a flash? Is it real? Am I paranoid? Damaged? Weird? Why is happiness suspect?
Long ago my caseworker had literally given me permission to be free with my mistakes, of which I've made plenty. Allowing me to demonstrate this ability to my children, to not expect anything close to perfection, to that which we can't even strive for, is so totally freeing, in and of itself. This doesn't, or didn't, work? I can change it. Learn from what failed and continue forward, not dogging myself about it all.
John Maxwell wrote some wonderful books on this subject that I'd absorbed, even though I'm hard on myself, expecting a great deal of self-discipline, it has served me well, making me tend to stuff around here even when I sure didn't feel like it. A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them.
Loving kids who don't return the love, fixing what they break, cooking that which they complain about, and washing the clothes that are slung every whichaway. It isn't about expectations, but rather just about getting it done at times, reminding myself constantly that I'm working for God, not for man.
The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up.
If one looks hard, one can see a perfectly round watermelon peeking out from below the flowers.
4 comments:
SO glad to see Paloma's doing better!
I read something not long ago that really resonated. I can't remember who said it, which irks me, but it was something like: It's OK for your children to see you fail, if they see you get back up again and keep going until you eventually succeed. // That's comforting to me. That's the best way to teach perseverance, by example.
I am so jealous of your watermelon! I am trying to grow some melons but so far nothing but a lot of leaves..
Dee
Cindy,
Your words were just what I needed to read this morning. Thanks for the inspirational quotes and the reminders about perfection/learning from mistakes.
I was happy to read that Paloma is doing well.
I hope your kids enjoy vacation bible school this week.
Take care,
Jane
Austin, TX
P.S. I continue to read you blog on a daily basis. Thanks so much for sharing all that you have learned (and continue to learn) about parenting, adoption, gardening etc.
Cindy,
I read every day too. Have to check to make sure nothing bad has happened to you guys since yesterday and pray if it has. I also have two girls adopted from China as babies and while we seem to be at a break from their trauma right now (lived through night terrors, fear of sleeping, co-sleeping for many years as well as scary aggression to sis and insecure attachment) I know that more issues are waiting around the corner for us all. It really helps to understand the forms their problems can take and how hard it is for everyone to deal with. I have been so inspired by you and families like you that I'm enrolled in school this fall to get a masters in counseling with hopes of helping more families deal with trauma, attachment and adoption issues. I start my first class on August 26th. Ooh, I also planted a garden this summer - even though I hate mosquitos and get bit every single time I check the plants! Still waiting for my first tomatoes and peppers!
Cindy, my Dustin is on an Abilify and Lithium combo and it truly was a lifesaver. (mine as well as his) It has done wonders for the volcanic explosions of anger and the picking at every little thing as well as the running away. This combo has been good for almost exactly a year. Hope yours holds as well.
(He is also on Chlozapine for his psychotic tendancies)
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