Always melancholy after my family leaves, my brother’s family left very early this morning for their ten hour return trip to Virginia. I feel bereft, abandoned, left here on a sinking ship, watching the greedy, conniving, surviving rats scurry around.
Bart briefly mentioned his annoyance at being unable to find a stapler, or something, the other day. It’s a feeling that nearly decimates folks like us, knowing that whatever we have will be destroyed, while kids look at us with flat eyes, daring us to do something about it. Like what are our options? The word none comes to mind.
Today is Paloma’s 13th birthday and I dread it, knowing how she’ll insist on controlling everyone’s mood, emotions and actions today. She did her level best several times while my brothers were here to disallow me from spending time with them, that cloud of potential danger simmering if I dared to turn my back on her for a split second.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m only barely enduring these next four or five years, at some point, like others before her, eventually she’ll be on her own without Mama’s stupid rules that she so despises, the simple ones like reciprocity, or being kind to others. My bitter experiences have taught me that she’ll then constantly call me, try and control me from afar, as if I'm a puppet, and continue to batter and bully her way through life.
All this available therapy and resources, seemingly to no avail. Wrap-around services that do not protect us from her irrational thoughts and ideas, the pointlessness suffocating me sometimes.
I’ve spent most of my days recently cooking, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, laundry and vacuuming, knowing I’ll need to start over immediately, no point in putting up the shop vac, just repeat and re-repeat.
I hate it that Gary and Jim are gone, just hate it.
Gary’s daughter, Katie Bay, got the first B in her entire life in a freshman physics class at Notre Dame. A product of private Catholic schools, she’s worked her butt off for a lifetime of straight As. Her two sisters are the same, one graduating from William & Mary soon. This is how our parents raised us as well. Jim, Gary, Ellen and I were all taught to work hard for good grades, to earn money, and to strive forward – hard work will be rewarded – and that’s obviously the source of my frustration this morning.
My very hard work here feels so unrewarded. I flew high after Daniel’s successes and I always will do so. Sarah and Yolie also do so well in life, others have college degrees also or else work very hard for their families like my Jesse. I have to keep looking at them to feel the least bit rewarded about my parenting skills. Knowing everyone was raised in the same house with the same mom, me parenting the same way with ten thousand resources does not equal the same results, lemme tell you.
It’s so disheartening to have Pepe calling me constantly, blaming everyone for his fourth assault charge, or knowing I’m forever estranged from some grown kids due to uncrossable lines. Forgiving, but moving on, for our family’s safety.
Who lives like this?
The more I give to some folks, the more they lash out. When I stop giving for fear of enabling them, they amp up their attacks.
Paloma and Tony fought with each other yesterday, somehow knocking my laptop on the floor, it won’t come on today, they’ve each blamed the other when I saw them both fighting with my own two stressed-out eyes. Best Buy later told me the hard drive was killed. Cwap.
Paloma screams cuss words, smacks others, stalks around with her wild, dangerous eyes flaring, everyone scatters and if we do not allow her to have her way, there’ll be broken windows and false accusations, lies and vitriol, damages and violence.
My brothers are gone this morning, my sense of normalcy evaporating with their departure. I turn back to face those that’d punish me for having loving brothers that’ll drive hundreds of miles to spend time with me, laughing and cutting up, after more than 50 years of knowing each other. My disturbed children simply cannot fathom emotional closeness and will try and make me pay for having any joy in my life, their resentment seething right on the surface.
Some of my children were charming and delightful however, I need to keep my eyes on them. Big Joe and Fabian kept coming over, as did Daniel who gave my neices a wonderful tour of the UGA campus yesterday. Always charming and dependable, always such a man, someone I totally respect and enjoy spending time with as much as I can.