Always melancholy after my family leaves, my brother’s family left very early this morning for their ten hour return trip to Virginia. I feel bereft, abandoned, left here on a sinking ship, watching the greedy, conniving, surviving rats scurry around.
Bart briefly mentioned his annoyance at being unable to find a stapler, or something, the other day. It’s a feeling that nearly decimates folks like us, knowing that whatever we have will be destroyed, while kids look at us with flat eyes, daring us to do something about it. Like what are our options? The word none comes to mind.
Today is Paloma’s 13th birthday and I dread it, knowing how she’ll insist on controlling everyone’s mood, emotions and actions today. She did her level best several times while my brothers were here to disallow me from spending time with them, that cloud of potential danger simmering if I dared to turn my back on her for a split second.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m only barely enduring these next four or five years, at some point, like others before her, eventually she’ll be on her own without Mama’s stupid rules that she so despises, the simple ones like reciprocity, or being kind to others. My bitter experiences have taught me that she’ll then constantly call me, try and control me from afar, as if I'm a puppet, and continue to batter and bully her way through life.
All this available therapy and resources, seemingly to no avail. Wrap-around services that do not protect us from her irrational thoughts and ideas, the pointlessness suffocating me sometimes.
I’ve spent most of my days recently cooking, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, laundry and vacuuming, knowing I’ll need to start over immediately, no point in putting up the shop vac, just repeat and re-repeat.
I hate it that Gary and Jim are gone, just hate it.
Gary’s daughter, Katie Bay, got the first B in her entire life in a freshman physics class at Notre Dame. A product of private Catholic schools, she’s worked her butt off for a lifetime of straight As. Her two sisters are the same, one graduating from William & Mary soon. This is how our parents raised us as well. Jim, Gary, Ellen and I were all taught to work hard for good grades, to earn money, and to strive forward – hard work will be rewarded – and that’s obviously the source of my frustration this morning.
My very hard work here feels so unrewarded. I flew high after Daniel’s successes and I always will do so. Sarah and Yolie also do so well in life, others have college degrees also or else work very hard for their families like my Jesse. I have to keep looking at them to feel the least bit rewarded about my parenting skills. Knowing everyone was raised in the same house with the same mom, me parenting the same way with ten thousand resources does not equal the same results, lemme tell you.
It’s so disheartening to have Pepe calling me constantly, blaming everyone for his fourth assault charge, or knowing I’m forever estranged from some grown kids due to uncrossable lines. Forgiving, but moving on, for our family’s safety.
Who lives like this?
The more I give to some folks, the more they lash out. When I stop giving for fear of enabling them, they amp up their attacks.
Paloma and Tony fought with each other yesterday, somehow knocking my laptop on the floor, it won’t come on today, they’ve each blamed the other when I saw them both fighting with my own two stressed-out eyes. Best Buy later told me the hard drive was killed. Cwap.
Paloma screams cuss words, smacks others, stalks around with her wild, dangerous eyes flaring, everyone scatters and if we do not allow her to have her way, there’ll be broken windows and false accusations, lies and vitriol, damages and violence.
My brothers are gone this morning, my sense of normalcy evaporating with their departure. I turn back to face those that’d punish me for having loving brothers that’ll drive hundreds of miles to spend time with me, laughing and cutting up, after more than 50 years of knowing each other. My disturbed children simply cannot fathom emotional closeness and will try and make me pay for having any joy in my life, their resentment seething right on the surface.
Some of my children were charming and delightful however, I need to keep my eyes on them. Big Joe and Fabian kept coming over, as did Daniel who gave my neices a wonderful tour of the UGA campus yesterday. Always charming and dependable, always such a man, someone I totally respect and enjoy spending time with as much as I can.
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5 comments:
check out spinrite for your hard drive. I haven't used it, but I've heard good things about it.
I so feel your pain.,,,,we are in emotional hell here...so sad to watch kids BLAME US for their poor choices. Our first taste of Jeuvenile justice system will be tested sometime next month and we our therapist is shooting for OTP for this child NOW at least in an attempt to save him from himself. Who knows...we all know that AFTER ADOPTION services just arent there..I have been on anti-depresents for 6 months and dh goes to therapy beginning this week as the behaviors have taken a really bad toll on his health as well. We cannot and will not live like this. I had to have another person in the house the whole time I was wheel chair bound these past 6 weeks and she will continue to stay until I have my next surgery in January and will go at the end of the month when I am well enough to monitor this crew while my dh is at his night job. Sad to have to have someone to be here with me to keep from taking all the verbal abuse. But as I have told them all there is a new WITCH In town and she isnt everyones punching bag. I still have 3 atitches in my 8 inch incision in my ankle and must wear a Herman Munster boot until I return to the dr in February. My do bites I suffered as a result of breaking up the two in heat females apparently have left permanent nerve damage to my right index finger as the feeling is greatly decreased. Oh well such is life. I sent one to live with my daughter in AL and we will spade both and reintroduce in 3 months time. They have lived in harmony for 3 yrs before the war, but came into heat at same time so we have NO idea what happened. We will keep on keeping on and continue to count the days.
I can so relate to this. I so enjoy my family members who I get to see on holidays and with whom spending time leaves me feeling spiritually and emotionally enriched, and just plain happy. And then I face the pain of returning to everyday life with those of my kids who simply cannot connect on the same level and for whom holidays are just another day to get something from someone. I force myself to look forward to the next holiday, and to try to remember those of my kids who do make me feel that loving and reciprocal relationships are possible. I think that the times I spend with those who are healthy just reminds me of what I don't have in my daily life and that's what makes the transition after holidays so hard. I do feel somewhat better knowing I'm not alone. Makes me feel it really isn't all my fault.
I, too, once had a hard drive thqt "experts" said was unfixable. I heard about a piece of software called Hard drive Mechanic so I bought it and gave it a try. The software actually repaired the drive like it said it would. I was amazed. I didn't lose any of my data. You can look at it at http://www.highergroundsoftware.com/hard-drive-mechanic.html and no it's not my site and it's not an afiliate link.
Amy from FFLF
Thanks y'all for the hard drive advice. There once was a time I'd have been buffaloed by this diagnosis, but there's still an itty bitty chance for me with this laptop. We'll see.
Dang Pat, you really seem to be being slammed with the bowling ball everytime you begin to catch a break.
Anonymous - And it helps me too to not feel alone through these skirmishes.
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