Leeway

I know enough about violence, or violent folks, that I have very little hope that the behavior would, or could, ever cease.

I'm kinda bitter from previous experiences here, from kids, for Pete's Sake. Kids.

I sat in a meeting yesterday, where the child's violence was tiptoed around, the understanding of the bipolar behaviors is there, but fundamentally to believe that it would be safe to have this person around potential victims blows me away.

I will NOT participate in allowing violence in our home.

Call me hopeless, but after many years of this, I am not beat down enough to begin to believe that anyone has changed at all. That I would take a chance like that? Seriously?

I owe it to the 12 darling kids still living at home to keep it violence free.

What if I were dating a violent person and was telling professionals, "He's changed," and being stupid enough to believe it?

I'd lose custody of my children after he attacked, right?

How is it any different when it is a child attacking other children? When the other kids cower in fright? When they must tiptoe around the one on the sofa who is glaring at them and they've done nothing wrong?

No way, y'all, no way.

My heart slammed within me during the entire meeting. That's what trauma looks like, me reliving the scary events of the past. No, thank you.

I crave peace, I lust after silence.

I desire to be boring, to have a dull life, one that is quiet and comforting...and safe.

I am very, very sorry that I, as a mother, was unable to access enough help to turn these behaviors around in four out of five kids in one sibling group. It makes me very sad. Professionals can't change these behaviors either. Blame me if you must, just help us find safety.

But don't say stuff that is untrue. Don't say that it is about the numbers at home. This one kid is now in a placement with two therapeutic parents and no other kids and the placement isn't working. Duh. It's not about OTP not working, nor the intensive cottage in another place, nor peers, nor the school system, nor the juvenile justice program, nor the way the wind blows. This one person must someday somehow some way assume responsibility for their dangerous behaviors...and, right now, I just don't see this happening, not an option yet...if ever.

There are some folks very enmeshed in their violent mannerisms, their own rage, their hatred, their aggression, and all sorts of negative behaviors. There are those who love the power that their rage has over others...in school, at home, in placements, or where ever.

It just is that way.

I don't blame the person really. I don't believe they can help it. I've observed, I've participated, I've studied and researched. I've learned and absorbed so much information from professionals, but it is what it is. It Is. That's all.

"Just checking on you," another sibling from that group called me last night. "How'd you already hear about my wisdom teeth?" he asked in surprise. "Well, I love you," he ended the conversation.

"I love you too," I responded, because I do.

In spite of it all, I do care deeply. I'd sat in the Sheriff's office at one point, several years ago, a huge nasty purplish-black bruise blossoming up from my elbow, from this person that I care for, x-rays taken, nothing broken, but my spirit. And my hope regarding family safety.

Even the therapist at the last residential placement never personally observed a violent incident, never watched the staff have to take this person down, never experienced the heart pounding fear involved, never got injured. Just reading an incident report is not enough. This is a very good therapist, but her optimism doesn't reflect the reality very much.

A behavior objective aimed at improvement, at reducing rather than eliminating violent outbursts, still allows too much leeway for injuries to others.