Your Pie Lunch

I've even ditched the oats in favor of a mongo bowl of oat bran, cinnamon, raisins, flax seed meal and walnuts, plus shredded coconut with rice milk. I ate the largest bowl ever yesterday morning with the sole purpose of simply tanking up, so as to eliminate the need to stop for lunch. I wanted to paint without taking food breaks that slow me down, time is limited.

"Wanna meet us for lunch?" Yolie unhelpfully tempted me. I was already so dang full, but I made an appearance, in a restaurant in which I was still too full of bran to eat, just because I could. I now have this much freedom. Daniel and Megan met us there as well, still ironing out their wedding details.

The schools don't call me to meet the deputies there and subdue a rager anymore, they don't call and ask me to take him/her home so they can teach without disruption. I can do laundry uninterrupted, poot around at the grocery store with time to think and plan, and I can catch up with my grown kids nowadays. Saray was texting me and Vanessa called with some good news about her living situation, but my friend, Janet, had the best news of all in that this cancer diagnosis is not as dire as it could have been, needing only radiation.

I'm loving this.

"Bita!" Mae and Marissa hollered excitedly when I walked in, money just can't buy that much love.

I should decidedly not ever be allowed to mess with Super Glue, at least this time my fingers didn't meld together, but one has a good coagulant coating that's gonna take some time to wear off. I've never had a mani/pedi in my life, sure not gonna start now, I don't even believe in nail polish, as the chemicals stink and are an environmental nightmare, so any pseudo ladylike appearance of my hands is not a priority, nor even a possibility.

Back in our Dark Ages the ownership of guitars by CW and Lily would have been challenged by The One Who Must Control Everything. "Why do they get birth mom presents?" she'd often scream, once having slung a broom at that birth mom's head, much to our collective shock. She'd also slugged my then eight year old grandson in the back of his head because she didn't want him on our computers.

Or when JoJo, Allen or Mayra would be taken places by their older siblings, she'd try and prevent the occurrence. "Why don't I get to go out with my older brothers?" she'd scream, not realizing they didn't have driver's licenses and even knowing they were both in lock down facilities at that very moment on assault charges. The accusation later became that I prevented her from going out with them. Like I couldn't have used a break?

No explanation ever sufficed, we always had to either give in, or risk the wrath which would involve deputies. Eventually I became very beat down, the kids as well always scattered and ran for cover, that was no way to live and it took a massive toll on us all.

It one thing to hurt me, I'll get over it, but DO NOT attack my children and grandchildren repeatedly and think it'll be hunky dory with me. I'm absolutely outraged, deeply saddened, and very conflicted in my innermost feelings. I'm dealing with it in therapy. Duh.

The wall that I was patching yesterday was injured by an older teenager who is very closed off emotionally, guarding his feelings as his entire sibling group has been viciously and very dangerously angry. That he's confined his own anger to the walls is not an anathema to me, I can deal with this, no human being is getting hurt. I have discussed with him the fact that I believe he needs to speak with a professional. He listened to me, but was noncommittal.

"Sweetheart," I beseeched him, knowing he places a high value on his own impressive intelligence, "I'm smart as crap, but I know I need a neutral party with which to discuss our abnormal events." He didn't budge, surely thinking, 'If you're so smart, how'd you end up like this?' A feeling I often contemplate as I paint, weed, clean, or participate in other robotic activities.

Two other brothers of another sibling group still live with me, now 16 and almost 18, the youngest siblings in a group that included two other nearly sociopathic individuals, one now in prison, I'm ignorant as to the whereabouts of the other, sadly I'm also both relieved and disinterested, in that I'd been seriously robbed blind for over a decade, lied about, and listened to false accusations about everyone one else they'd ever come in contact with in daily life.

I'm out, color me grateful.

I'm consciously aware of the fact that I'm now changing everything, wanting to overcome my own severe trauma, as well as that of the teenagers still living here with me, I've even changed out wall switches and plug covers, painted so many walls, rid myself of so many horrific memories.

As I painted last night after supper, nearly every kid in the house was keeping me company, all of us in one room, good discussions going on, teasing and jokes. At eight I shut the paint can, sent kids to their showers or beds or just to their rooms to wind down, silence descended and by nine p.m. my house was completely silent.

Who knew it could be this nice?