Thursday, April 05, 2012

Aren't I A Human Being?

Emotional bankruptcy comes quickly. And it is a hard, cold and lonely place to be. Then we beat ourselves up because we feel like we have failed, yet again. Ending this cycle is incredibly difficult.

One of the most giving, positive, loving (yet traumatized by raising trauamatized children) women that I know wrote those words and more in her post yesterday.

The rest of her post described my feelings today accurately.

Another demoralizing blow, another kick in the teeth, another let's see how much crap we can pour out upon one ole lady moment, and I've found myself crying in abject frustration in the Lowe's parking lot, undetected behind my sunglasses when the nice guy didn't have the lawnmower part I needed. My eyes just started leaking, I thanked him for his efforts and I dissipated, already stressed over something else totally unrelated to mowing.

I walked away and cried outside, all this work, all these hassles, all the stress that'd kill a buffalo.

My kids didn't dump on me yesterday, someone/something else did, and I gotta go deal with it so highly irritated and aggravated that I don't think I can blog without cussing, so I best put down the computer and pick up a paintbrush to vent my high level tension.

A former pastor was texting me out of the blue last night with comforting words I needed to hear, he was totally unaware of my current issue, apparently he just knew I needed to be encouraged. I love him for that.

I'll get over this crap, I always do. I just need to work my way through it in order to function properly.


Fatcat said...

I hope you feel better soon. Go do some weeding!

Fatcat said...

I hope you feel better soon. Go do some weeding!

Peggi said...

I'm sorry you had a terrible day. Praying your day today(the rest of it) is better. Go out for some plant therapy. Love my plants, except something is eating my tomatoes at ground level and they are falling over, not so therapeutic.

Lisa said...

Oh, how I know those moments!! I find myself leaking tears when I've sat in the waiting room of the pdoc for 2 hrs past my appt. time - internally screaming, "What about MY time??" or when I get to the pharmacy to pick up 9+ prescriptions, only to find out that the insurance has denied all of them for an unknown reason that takes all of 2 minutes to fix - but then an additional hour or two to fill when I have a van load of hungry, grouchy kids. Everyone has their limit. We pat ourselves on the back for holding it together one dreadful, turbulent moment and then fall apart over something that is more of a nuisance and inconsiderate than anything else.

Hoping your days improve!

Hilary said...

Dear Cindy

Here's something, a prayer, I've been meanning to give you for a long time, and I guess now is as good as any time to post it for you, in both Hebrew and English

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheynu melech ha-olam, shehechianu, v'kiamanu, v'higianu lazman hazeh

Praised be you, O Lord our G-d, for giving us life, keeping us alive, and allowing us to celebrate this season.

It sounds like you had a sucky day and I hope things get better. G-d has given you life, kept you alive (through A LOT) and with Easter comming up it is a season for you to celebrate. Amen.


Mama Sarah said...

I am sad that life brought something to you today that was so difficult. I am saying extra prayers for you - may God give you peace. If he brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

The daffodils are in bloom here even though we still have heavy rains. I love the flowers so - they help my heart smile. Have a wonderful day.

Cindy said...

Five days later I'm not as upset as I was, I'm just angry at the BS we mamas have to endure, thank you all for your very kind words