Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Reflections



Long list of upcoming grown kids birthdays, starting with Yolie today turning 32. Soon it'll be Marcela at 31, Gina at 34, Cristy at 35, within days, right after that Saray hits 34 and Deysi'll be 36, even Jesse will be 30 this year, my second son to reach his 30s, Big Joe'll hover at 29.

Daniel is in Texas, his first trip back in 20 something years, he's on Army business, returning later this week. He'll be 27 this year, right before he gets married.

Cristy was accepted yesterday to grad school in Oregon, she'll be my second Master's Degree earning daughter.

Scotty's soccer team remain undefeated and Allen verbally thanked me for doing his laundry yesterday. Dang,

He, CW and Chuy each filled a wheelbarrow load of wood chips for me, something that takes them all of two seconds to do and it saves me hours of weeding and watering later, since it conserves moisture and desiccates into a soil enricher, fending off weed seeds in the meantime.

I'd taken last summer's squash from the freezer and made Sarah's rice and squash and brown rice casserole with an overload of pepper jack cheese. "I never met a vegetable I didn't like," CW told me last night. Well duh, son, I've fed you fresh veggies since birth, we didn't have to overcome early bad eating habits.

Sarah's new pimento cheese blog post is wonderful.

And look at my own nearly joyous posts lately. How nice is this? We're normal and loving it. Few squabbles, no outbursts, no raging, no random feces smearing, no holes being punched in walls, no attacks on others. Oh my goodness, it's sweet.

All day long I planted, like a happy automaton, "Save something for CJ to plant," Yolie asked me, as CJ's shown a huge interest in seed germination, I'll hold off on the squash knowing that'll reward him fairly fast.

Who grows 72 eggplant seedlings? I do. I over plant a lot, knowing droughts take our plants, and a host of other things can befall them, me growing organically means no spraying ever, no chemicals, resulting in much better tasting produce, and certainly no cancer causing bitter sheen left upon my veggies.

I've eaten a ton of Swiss Chard all week, I'd meant to let it go to seed, so I can have fresh seed to plant, but its so delicious and exactly what I feel like eating right now. I also have lettuce and spinach to make a salad.

My JoJo's a handful, no impulse control, so impulsive as to nearly resemble a cartoon character, yet his math teacher emailed me how much progress he seems to be making, leaving me beaming with pride. That he does no chores, that he's terribly lazy, completely oppositional, fades in importance when I see progress in the classroom, a place that's frustrated him for many years.

If I asked him to bring me a load of wood chips, such a small chore that my sons always offer to bring more, but they're working faster than I so I decline, yet JoJo? I've asked him once before, once when he'd been suspended, and he stood on the pile screaming his frustration for quite some time, kicking the wheelbarrow and throwing sticks. I never got my load.

Seriously son? Forget it.

Jen had asked me, "Raising my kids requires a ton of self-confidence and integrity so I am not devastated again and again by others thinking my children's actions and appearances reflect negatively on me. Unfortunately, my connections with other people outside of my immediate family are weak or broken as a result. Can you relate to this?"

I used to feel that way too, but I've slowly tried to shake it off. I've certainly learned not to be judgemental, because I once would've thought the parents weren't parenting based on their children's misbehavior, yet in the adoption of older children we have zero control, and even very little influence, if anything our children rebel against everything we stand for including decency, honesty and law abiding behaviors, just to reject what they believe we stand for...the obstacle standing in their way of having their birth parents.

There's zero comprehension of why they are with us. Zero. And explaining it all to them would be hurtful, would feed into their abandonment and rejection issues, so we have to choose our words carefully when trying to give simple explanations. Reason # six billion why therapy is a must.

Part of my preference for seclusion and social isolation comes from Jen's fear that I too share regarding folks misjudging us by our children. It's painful, it's humiliating, but it is what it is, and I know that dumb answer is a cop out, but it's all I have to offer other than understanding her pain at this phenomena.

I've been viciously criticized by those who don;'t know me at all and yes it hurts. I've been gossiped about and back stabbed, but hey, pretty much everyone on earth has been treated badly, adoptive moms have no foot up in that regard.

My own parents struggled with their own initial feelings that my kids were a reflection on us all, until they lived here for the last 11 years and witnessed all my good parenting methods just leading to attacks upon me or others. They were flat out shocked at what they saw me having to endure.

This is not an easy row to hoe...says the one who could hoe weeds in the hot sun from sunup to sundown happily.