Yes, I did blog yesterday, but I added it to the list of unpublished drafts, now teetering on one hundred of 'em.
Sometimes my hurt feelings and subsequent bitterness are best left to myself. The trauma coloring everything.
I wasn't upset at anyone living here, I'd been in a meeting in which I sobbed, so unfair was it all, by the time I got home I was emotionally overcome by all the hurts, slights, injustices, lies, and complete unfairness that I've found myself in for so many years.
All I ever wanted to do was to help, and I'm flat-out dumbfounded by the way I've been treated...as if everything I think, do, or say is suspect, and it's been debilitating, demeaning and completely demoralizing, leaving me angry and bitter, doing everything possible to maintain my hermit-like existence.
If I don't see other humans they can't hurt me, right?
It feels as if everything is a potential threat to us.
I did what I always do, I physically exhaust myself, working hard until my negative feelings have been expended, or, at least, are under control.
Anyone not half as emotionally strong, as I used to think I was, would've had a series of massive heart attacks in response to the complete Hell in which I've found myself at times.
See, I'm still fighting the negativity, I need to just go outside and weed, weed, weed and dig until I'm too exhausted to ruminate on anything.
I will absolutely not ever encourage anyone to adopt from the foster care system until some major things change, until family safety is guaranteed, and until we, the naive yet loving and dumb parents are not blamed for the mental health issues and severe behavior challenges that arrived in our home full blown.
What's up with the victims getting blamed? The perps are too manipulative to be tended to?
Folks've often stated, "Cindy tells it like it is," regarding the adoption of older kids, but I'd disagree. I think I've been extraordinarily circumspect, silent even on some horrific events, too horrified and damaged to talk about it, because there are some incredibly wonderful kids out there who need to be adopted and my honesty/negativity could hinder that from happening.
I do want adoption to continue, but I also want prospective parents and their families to be protected.
I remain stunned over it all, like I've been hit upside my head with a wooden bat. I see the little birdies flitting around my head.
If I'm still this clearly irked today, can you imagine the venom I'd have spewed yesterday in my fury over events?
Lord Have Mercy.
I'm going outside to work.