Yes, I did blog yesterday, but I added it to the list of unpublished drafts, now teetering on one hundred of 'em.
Sometimes my hurt feelings and subsequent bitterness are best left to myself. The trauma coloring everything.
I wasn't upset at anyone living here, I'd been in a meeting in which I sobbed, so unfair was it all, by the time I got home I was emotionally overcome by all the hurts, slights, injustices, lies, and complete unfairness that I've found myself in for so many years.
All I ever wanted to do was to help, and I'm flat-out dumbfounded by the way I've been treated...as if everything I think, do, or say is suspect, and it's been debilitating, demeaning and completely demoralizing, leaving me angry and bitter, doing everything possible to maintain my hermit-like existence.
If I don't see other humans they can't hurt me, right?
It feels as if everything is a potential threat to us.
I did what I always do, I physically exhaust myself, working hard until my negative feelings have been expended, or, at least, are under control.
Anyone not half as emotionally strong, as I used to think I was, would've had a series of massive heart attacks in response to the complete Hell in which I've found myself at times.
See, I'm still fighting the negativity, I need to just go outside and weed, weed, weed and dig until I'm too exhausted to ruminate on anything.
I will absolutely not ever encourage anyone to adopt from the foster care system until some major things change, until family safety is guaranteed, and until we, the naive yet loving and dumb parents are not blamed for the mental health issues and severe behavior challenges that arrived in our home full blown.
What's up with the victims getting blamed? The perps are too manipulative to be tended to?
Folks've often stated, "Cindy tells it like it is," regarding the adoption of older kids, but I'd disagree. I think I've been extraordinarily circumspect, silent even on some horrific events, too horrified and damaged to talk about it, because there are some incredibly wonderful kids out there who need to be adopted and my honesty/negativity could hinder that from happening.
I do want adoption to continue, but I also want prospective parents and their families to be protected.
I remain stunned over it all, like I've been hit upside my head with a wooden bat. I see the little birdies flitting around my head.
If I'm still this clearly irked today, can you imagine the venom I'd have spewed yesterday in my fury over events?
Lord Have Mercy.
I'm going outside to work.
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5 comments:
I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. But I do know & understand what you're talking about. I'll be praying for you today.
I too, understand. My adoption of big kids seems pale to yours, but while we were living it it was no fun. Hang in there.
I do not know what happened but I can share that when I sought help from my state system for an adoptive placement harming a child in my home, I was blacklisted.
For making that call for help, I was blacklisted. For pleading for help to have this child removed for the safety of others, I was blacklisted.
That state-placed child seriously harmed another and the social workers retaliated against me.
The supervisors of the social workers even told me they would retaliate and they did. Just like they said they would.
When talking to them did not work I filed a complaint with my Governor's office, that office stalled me for over six months and now tell me all files have been lost.
Worse, the local level sent me a letter telling me that I had never even applied to adopt through the state system much less been certified to foster.
I guess the dozen kids in my home were a mirage.
I am an awesome adoptive mom and I was an amazing foster mom. I took in kids that had threatened men with large knives and sucessfully helped them. I took in a baby that had been sexaully abused before being nine months old. I took in toddlers that were covered in staff infection after being abandoned in a van for days. Those kids told me their parents would sell all their clothing and stuff when they were returned and they did.
All the files, now lost would confirm that.
I sent my Governor's office what I had - awards, acknowledgments of my exemplary service, the letters of thank you from the social workers, certifications, etc. Still nothing is being done. As of last week they tell me there is no file on me as a parent.
I am not sure what the problem is, but it does not support or help adoptive parents regardless of situation.
My heart weeps for the kids needing homes. My heart weeps for those of us that try to be there for them.
Ultimately, my heart weeps for the retaliatory actions committed against adoptive parents when they tell the truth - some kids need something different that placement in a normal home with a loving family who has a strong support system.
As I often say, my son has hardened my position about adoption. I should also say the state agency has taught me that there is no good way to help a child in the domestic adoptive system.
Even the best parents are abused and thrown away for these kids for no good reason. It breaks my heart.
You totally do not need to publish this - I just wanted to say I understand what you may be going through.
And you are right, I personally no longer recommend domestic adoption to anyone. No matter what.
okay - I just get so mad and sad about it all.
That all y'all understand, that you too have endured, just further strengthens my own resolve that something has to change, or to give way. I just don't think I'm the woman anymore to facilitate chamge as I've been so damaged over the years.
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