Monday, December 10, 2012

Good-bye Toxicity

A barefoot day yesterday, 72 degrees and it felt good after the confines of shoes at church, where I attended both services to watch Tabby, Ray, CJ and Mae in their Christmas Musical production, way too adorable for words.

Afterwards grass had to be mowed, and I continued weeding and finishing up my rose bed, it was too pretty to spend one single minute in the truck getting horse manure, I just wanted to be outside breathing in warm, humid air.

I pondered the life of my son the ex-con, sadly knowing that it'll likely include many incarcerations.  Having lived with guys like him (my sons), having participated in countless therapeutic resources in which I can honestly say that often he dearly tried hard to improve, but the word improve is hopeless enough, or challenging enough, when one has precious little control over one's actions and reactions.

There is either brain damage, trauma-induced issues, severe mental health issues, and/or the fact that his birth mother was a huffer, inhaling fumes that instantly damage the brain.  She drank alcohol, she was drunk as a cooter when she birthed the last one, and she used other damaging drugs during her five pregnancies, thus sentencing the kids to deep problems - and I use the term loosely - for the rest of their lives.

I've observed this one guy for many, many years.  I've watched him struggle, rage, destroy and explode.  I've witnessed his tears, his laughter and his more lucid moments.  I've said it over and over, it's just so sad on every level.  It's. Just. Sad.

I know he will create more children for the system, I know that there'll be many grandchildren over the years from sons that I likely will never know.  A frustrated mom contacted me yesterday, struggling like we all do with irresponsible grown children's financial irresponsibility, substance abuse issues, or of them birthing children and refusing to raise them, "Does it ever end?" she asked me.

Nah, I don't think so.  At least not in my experiences.

She asked me if I loan or give money to my grown children.  As if I have any money?  If I did have excess money I'd be buying pizza for my kids once a week, eliminating a night of cooking.  No, I have no money to lend, nor to give.

I turn back around and choose to dwell on the majority of my kids who are doing very well, wishing that the others that are struggling, due to their own poor choices, would/could understand that positive actions engender positive reactions.  Instead they accuse me of favoring 'the good ones,' trying to control my joy at the success of others by their relentless negativity and personal attacks.

There comes a time when I must limit my contact with such toxicity.

I will most certainly not stop extolling the successes.  I will stop being manipulated by my fear of doing so, it's not fair to the majority of my family that needs me to praise and build them up for their successes.

Sarah graduated from her intensive Yoga Teacher Training Class and I'm so proud.

Sabrina came home from that banquet with a trophy, a plaque and an armful of awards to be framed and I'm very proud.

Tabby, CJ, Ray and Mae did a wonderful job on stage and I'm inordinately proud.

Right now, five minutes before it's time to leave for school I have a non-ready, screaming 15 year old.  He's mad because he lost something and he's churning himself into a dervish about it.  I dumbly interjected a logical suggestion which I should've remembered not to engage.  He is clearly going to require me driving him to school, in which he'll scream and blame me for everything.

It's just the way it is, his miswiring does not allow for anything else.  It's better if I just remain detached or there's no question about it, it'd just be a screaming match which would be pointless.  My brain is not mis-wired and I'm going to exercise restraint...because I can.

Why wouldn't I choose the positive realm?