Thursday, March 07, 2013

Battling A Demon Called Pointlessness

Today I might write five posts, or no more after this one.  I might then skip a few days, or overload the Internet with my processing.  I might not ever speak of adoption or emotional issues again, or I might try and continue to understand here as I type, retelling our experiences.

I don't know.

I do know that I need to be working in, and on, my head, trying to get past the trauma, the resentment, and the immensely staggering damage done around here.

There's not a screen left in any bedroom window downstairs, all have fallen victim to angry kids over the years, there are broken window panes, patched haphazardly, entire window frames have needed to be replaced, and some have already been done.  It makes me sad and angry to survey the damages.

I feel totally out of touch with The Real World.  I'm old, tired, and unfashionable, - a vegan, politically and religiously conservative, an environmentalist, a mom to many, and what I've seen and witnessed has knocked my moorings loose - not having much in common with anyone, thus my hermit-like existence.  I feel like a pariah, and I figure I've done it to myself by my many choices to be who I am.  It makes me annoying, odd, and a contradiction in terms.

Nando brought in an armload of hyacinth yesterday, the fragrance nothing short of intoxication, he'd run outside for a minute and been repelled by the weather here in March, for Pete's sake, that barely made it to 40 yesterday.  I worked in the house with a scarf wrapped three times around my neck, unable to feel warm.  Tell me about symbolism.

Matter of fact I'm unable to feel much at all, disengaging has taken a toll, suppressing my true feelings of outrage at times has left me with a flat affect, having to suck it up and take it on the chin constantly has resulted in my stunned state of shock, and then there's been the repetitive train leaving the station whining "I'm gonna reject you before you reject me" mentality over the years. leaving me staring blankly.

I literally expect it now, a self-fulfilling prophecy at work, automatically bracing for the hit.

So I don't know if my journaling here is helping me or not, that's why I might increase, or decrease.  I'm just gonna follow my feelings that I'm likely not very in touch with anymore.  I'm not sad, I'm just still stupefied by it all.

The pointlessness of it all has been staggering.


pcda said...

Cindy, writing about your struggles is NOT pointless. You help other adoptive moms - we know we are not going through this alone and that our situations - nightmares at times - are not unique. We know you are venting and by writing out your frustrations trying to understand. Writing helps to make some sense out of the insanity. Write those five posts! And hang in there!


Fatcat said...

I don't think any of it has been pointless. You've done what you were called to do and you may not see all of the benefits in your lifetime even, but you did it. You said yes, when God asked you to take on a task. Do you best and give him the rest, that's all you can do.

This song has been speaking to me this week.

"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."

Dee said...

As others have said, keep writing. We need to hear your voice, reminding us that we are not alone in our struggles. So few parents are willing to be honest about these struggles. What you write is a blessing, my friend. Praying for you and ALL your children!

Anonymous said...

Don't stop writing. Each time you vent, a small drop of the poison in your heart leaves you. There will be a time when you relax and accept those you love, and be able to release those you cannot help. From someone who has led a similar life on a much smaller scale.

Emma said...

Cindy, I am echoing the other commenters here. For many people writing DOES help, even if it takes a long time. You have had so much to process and have endured so much. Increase, decrease, do whatever you need to do. But remember you do have a great number of internet friends / fans / readers who not only benefit from your writing but are here to offer you support if there's anything we can do. Sincerely, Emma

Anonymous said...

do what you need to do and if you need help...just shoot me a call

Melissa said...

Your blog is like a morning coffee for me. I'm always learning. Yours is the one blog that has shown me the kind of parent I want to be. I love your blog; good, bad or ugly. So there.

Do what you need to do -- blog or not blog (please blog!) -- and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

amatta2 said...

Keep writing, Cindy. This life with damaged children is too often a very lonely place and we all are misunderstood and maligned. Your words are daily treasures and help me realize that I am ok, maybe even sort of normal. You are a vital part of this community and deeply appreciated. Laura

amatta2 said...

Keep writing, Cindy. This life with damaged children is too often a very lonely place and we all are misunderstood and maligned. Your words are daily treasures and help me realize that I am ok, maybe even sort of normal. You are a vital part of this community and deeply appreciated. Laura

Bokälskare said...

I have enjoyed reading your blogg since I stumbled over it this summer. As a single woman without children living in the capital of Sweden my life is very different from yours in many ways, but I really like reading your blogg. I teach second and third grade and in your blogg you write about some of the same isues that I see in my pupils and their parents. I have never commented before I just wanted to let you know how much I have appreciated your courage to honestly share some of your life with people like me. Thank you!

Cindy said...

Y'all's comments have made me nearly sob with relief and joy today. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me. I've been in a funk, overwhelmed with pointlessness but tomorrow's post is bubbling in my mind already based on a line from an email that deeply ministered to me today. I hope it'll help others to cope too. Thanks again sooooo very much

Leslie said...

I read a lot of blogs but the line-up changes over time. The only one I've read religiously for years is yours. I'm a single mom of 4, one bio and 3 adopted from The System. Two of the adopted do really well and one REALLY struggles. I know that if I hadn't been reading your blog all these years I would be taking his continued struggles much more personally, perhaps to the point of giving up and thinking someone else could do a better job, but thanks to you and the community you've formed here I realize that many of us struggle with these issues and that there are no easy answers for some kiddos. Some days I'm also left wandering around my house wondering, "Who lives like this?" But then I remember I'm not the only one and it helps, it truly does.

I always enjoy your posts, whether you're venting about or celebrating your children. I also love your posts on gardening and agree entirely with your take on personal economics.

All us strangers out in blog land adore you and if you need to take a break we'll understand. I just wanted to let you know how much you've helped me just by letting me know that there are other parents out there facing the same issues I am. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Please don't leave us. I can not be the only socially withdrawing politically conservative who recycles and eats hippie food.

Anonymous said...

I confess I read your blog daily, yet have not let you know how much your posts help. I "knew" you long ago on the fflf list. Your words have helped me tremendously on my journey to find out who I am after being beat up by kids and a very unhelpful system. I continue to pray for you as you slog through these dark days. Your posts are an inspiration, but please only continue if they help you. Mom in Montana

Anonymous said...

I'm a system kid. You helped me believe in my forevers. I used to think they were a bunch of loser Christians putting on a do Gooder show. And I acted that way. I didn't know they struggled. I didn't know how determined they were to show me and give me something that I was as determined to prove I didn't need or want. I thought i was just a worthless pawn in a stupid game, passed from place to place. Found out pawns are pretty important after all. Reading your words made me want to fight for my forever king and queen just as hard as they fought for me. They became living breathing emotional people that hurt just like me. It ain't just adoptive parents that read your's cast away's like me that end up better people. Don't go.

Cindy said...

Leslie, thank you and I feel the same. We're all so lost so often out here all alone in this weird world of adoption

And EVERYONE else - your words so sustain me, so much, you'll never know