Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I'd driven 954 miles these past three days, loving the silence but filling it with hours of podcasts, mainly catching up on Dr. Joy Browne's radio call-in show. I really love her assessments of human behavior.
I had time to think, no one demanding regular feedings, bathroom stops, or an ongoing negative commentary based on Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I felt as if I'd scrubbed out my brain with a toothbrush.
Re-entry was not all that difficult either, kids glad to see me, my 8 dogs especially rambunctious and giddy at my return, Sarah'd kept perfect order around here while also getting tons of her own accounting work down, spread out all over the long kitchen counter.
On the AP ticker app, I'd read about 32% of Americans claiming to keep a written budget, up several percentage points from an earlier decade. How the budget-less people function is way beyond my capacity to comprehend. I personally need to be able to see what's left, where every dollar should go, and to plan ahead.
As I walked the beach and thought, thought, and did more thinking, I decided, when my kids were grown, that September will likely become my own beach month, the garden nearly done (well, not really here in Georgia, but closer to giving out), other people's kids back in school, freeing up space at the seashore, the general population busy with autumn activities, I prefer going against other people's timetables, as crowds lessen greatly.
Claudia wrote about what's she's learned regarding emotionally dysregulated human beings, and I do agree. We must provide supervision, and heavy-duty supervision at that, yet we must also hugely disengage, back off, bite our tongues, mainly because our educated and well-meaning opinions and suggestions tend to lead to monstrous confrontations, as the terribly dysregulated children attempt to cope with all the changes they never asked for, and basically did not want.
They wanted their birth parents, no matter how terrible the situation had been, the trauma of being ripped away is almost insurmountable.
The Adoption Counselor muses that maybe these attachment issues are more for our own benefit than for them.
True, that. We parents have, and had, a very different view of everything. We thought we were becoming family, the kids looked at us as interlopers, dangerous kidnappers who stood between them and their birth parents.
Years and years later, everything is different.
My own kids, all older child adoptions, have extremely conflicted feelings regarding their birth families. Well duh, Cindy.
The solution would be for all birth parents to properly parent their children, but that's not possible, what with the lure of drugs and alcohol, or severely dysfunctional upbringing, thus the generational dysfunction, then there's the genetically predisposed to criminal behaviors, or those who are mentally ill. They can't be forced to parent, nor would it be safe for the kids.
So we're back to square one. What to do?
Again, I don't know. I parented daily the best that I knew how to do, based on my own great parents, and what I learned in college, my major being early childhood education. But all that knowledge did not begin to take into account trauma, neglect and abuse, nor mental illnesses and severely emotionally dysregulated behaviors, leaving me to fly by the seat of my pants.
I'm emboldened and gratified that the majority of my kids are doing right well, I continue to fret and search for answers regarding the others that need more help overall with life.
I'll just gnaw on the greenery and continue seeking, while using that sentence to segue into my own personal food politics. Who didn't see that coming? Hey, I just wanna help others be healthy also.